"If there is righteousness in the heart,
There will be beauty in the character.
If there is beauty in the character,
There will be harmony in the home.
If there is harmony in the home,
There will be order in the nation.
When there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world."
- Sathya Sai Baba -
The photograph in the New
York Times showed a partial
eclipse of the sun, the sun
a circle of light like a
halo around the black globe
of the moon. I was instantly
reminded of dawn darshan at
Whitefield where some of us
have been blessed by the
sight of such a halo around
the dark circle of Baba's
hair.
The first time I journeyed
to India in 1976, Baba was
at Whitefield when I
arrived. I had been a
devotee for three years, but
only that spring had I felt
the overpowering pull which
has since drawn me back time
after time.
How many years it had taken
me to complete that journey!
I was first drawn to Eastern
philosophy in the 50's when
I read the Bhagavad Gita.
Although I immersed myself
in spiritual books, I had no
teacher, no one at all to
share this pursuit. I went
as far as I could on my own
and then seemed to lose
interest. Marriage, children
and work absorbed my
attention yet something was
missing. The underlying
purpose of my life remained
hidden from me until, in
1973, my son lent me a book
about Bhagavan Sri Sathya
Sai Baba.
I had come full circle. The
avatar I had read about in
the Bhagavad
Gita was here in this world.
NOW. And now, I had made the
journey and was about to see
him for the first time. How
to describe that first
encounter? To be really
seeing him, whose face and
form had become so central
to my life from films and
photos, whose words I knew
by heart from books? To see
him walking through the gate
approaching us was almost
incredible. No matter that I
had travelled thousands of
miles for just this sight.
Trembling, I waited with the
others, heart pounding as he
drew near.
"Don't expect any
attention," I had been
warned. "He will probably
ignore you at first."
I didn't need warning. I had
come to see for myself, I
thought, nothing more. But
no matter what we think,
Baba calls whom he wills,
for his own reasons, and
nothing anyone tells you can
prepare you for the
actuality.
I had a handful of letters
from home timidly extended
as he stopped to talk to a
woman nearby. To see him so
close! To hear that sweet
voice! My heart so swelled
with love, I thought it
would burst out of my body.
It was an intense pressure
unlike anything I have
experienced before or since.
As Swami walked past me,
apparently unseeing, he
suddenly turned back as if
he had just noticed the
letters in my hand. Looking
at me with the sweetest of
smiles, he leaned over and
took them from me. At that
moment, as he took the
letters from my hand, the
intense burning pressure in
my chest was instantly
relieved. Along with the
letters, he had accepted the
burden of my love.
Most people seeing Baba for
the first time are, as I
was, overwhelmed by the love
that flows from him. No
words can describe it.
Again, even when
anticipated, his miracles
leave us stunned. But the
first miracle I experienced
that day was my own capacity
for love; the second, even
more incredible, was Swami's
acceptance of it. Human
love, which I have not been
denied, was no preparation.
Baba says that he is like a
live coal come to ignite the
embers of our hearts.
Wednesday, August 4, 1976,
was the day it happened to
me.
The following day was
Thursday, a bhajan day at
Whitefield. We woke at 5:00
AM and dressed hastily.
Arriving as the bhajan
singers were returning from
their circuit of the village
streets, we followed them
into the compound where
Baba's two-storey house used
to be. There we stood
waiting in the pre-dawn hush
for his appearance on the
roof. The singing continued;
and suddenly, Baba was
there, smiling down on us,
keeping time to the music
with one finger for a while
and then just standing
there, his hands clasped in
front of him. "Can you see
the halo around his head?"
whispered the person
standing next to me. I could
not. The singers started to
sing arati as a chosen
devotee waved the flaming
camphor. Baba stood there
until the end and slowly,
slowly descended some unseen
staircase until he was out
of sight. Everyone left in
silence, and more eyes were
filled with tears than
otherwise, for it is at the
hour that his divinity is
most palpable.
Sunday was another bhajan
day, another morning to
receive the benison of dawn
darshan. I stood in the
front row this time, so
close I could look into
Swami's eyes, but I was
focusing all my attention on
trying to see that halo.
Could that be it? I
wondered, seeing what
appeared like a narrow band
of lighter sky around his
head. It must be just
imagination, I decided, when
suddenly that narrow band
sprang outward, expanding to
a wide band of lighter sky
around his head, twice the
circumference of his hair.
My mouth dropped open in
astonishment. Then I found
myself grinning with
delight, Swami smiling
broadly as, with one finger,
he kept time to the bhajan.
By his grace, I have almost
always seen that halo, that
subtle aura of light when he
has come out at dawn.
Sometimes, it has been wide,
sometimes narrow. The last
few times, as if in play, he
showed it to me next to his
head instead of around it!
Some years ago, when Swami
gave a talk during Summer
Course, the large double
microphone totally obscured
my view of his face. My
frustration was complete
until the end, when he
started to sing and I was
dazzled by a white, blinding
light surrounding both Swami
and his translator. It
lasted until Baba left the
stage. Most of the time,
however, the halo appears to
me circling his head as a
brighter sky against the
gray dawn, just as it did
that first morning.
One of the lessons we learn
from visiting Baba's ashram
is that of accepting
constant change. Buildings
seemed to spring up almost
overnight. Rules and time
schedules change and then
change back. His comings and
goings are the topic of
constant speculation. What
he "usually" does may not
apply. "You must learn to
love my uncertainty," he has
said, and he gives us plenty
of opportunities. But Swami
himself is always the same,
the one constant in the
midst of constant flux. Only
our love for him grows, our
hunger for the sight of him
never satiated. "Past is
past," he says, "future
is unknown, present is
temporary. Only God is
permanent." Nowhere is
this more apparent than when
we are in his presence.
Less than a year after my
first trip to India, I was
back in Whitefield, this
time for the 1977 Summer
Course in Indian Culture and
Spirituality. This 30-day
program was held throughout
the '70s for students from
all over India and observers
from all over the world.
Although friends had told me
that it would be a simple
matter to get an observer's
pass, this turned out not to
be true in my case. For nine
days, I went in vain from
one official to another. I
was told that all the
observers' passes had been
distributed and that only
Baba himself could give one
at this late date. Every
morning, my friends (with
badges pinned in place) went
to the college auditorium to
hear lectures and receive
Baba's darshan. Every
evening they went and heard
Baba speak about that year's
topic, The Ramayana, I went
also, but saw and heard from
outside the door with the
village women who
congregated there.
However, on the tenth
morning, I was given not an
observer's pass, which would
have entitled me to sit in
the back behind the
students, but a guest pass
which enabled me to sit in
the front row next to Baba's
sisters. There I had the
most glorious darshan I have
ever experienced. Morning
and evening, Baba would walk
right by me, and throughout
the evening program, I would
sit literally at his feet
with no one between.
One morning, as he came to
the ladies' side of the
auditorium, he stopped to
talk to the woman next to
me, an elderly American who
was apparently a long-time
devotee. As he leaned over
to speak to her, she touched
his arm and almost absently
held the cloth of his sleeve
between her fingers. It was
the sweetest, most intimate
gesture I had ever seen and
for a moment jealousy cut
through my heart like a
knife. Yet, a moment later,
tears of another kind flowed
from me. As Baba walked away
to give darshan on the men's
side, a most unexpected
prayer poured fervently,
silently from my heart.
"Oh Swami, no, not even that
would be close enough. No
physical closeness of any
kind could satisfy this
hunger I have to be near
you!"
Mentally, I gave up every
personal attention, every
sweet gift I had ever heard
of his giving - words,
smiles, interviews,
materialized gifts, signs of
affection - anything I could
think of. "Oh Baba," I
prayed, "take them all. I
must have that ultimate
closeness, that merging with
you. Only then will this
hunger be satisfied. I would
rather try and fail at this
goal than succeed at a
lesser one! And Swami, I am
likely to weep and complain
at the hardness of this
bargain in years to come. If
I do, please ignore it."
By now, Baba had finished
giving darshan and was
seated in his place on the
men's side, far across from
where I sat. As my prayer
came to its conclusion, he
suddently got up and walked
purposefully all the way
across to where I was
sitting, looked into my
eyes, nodded, and walked
directly back to his chair.
What that nod of his head
meant to me was, "Yes, I
accept the prayer." In one
moment of overwhelming
yearning, the whole focus of
my life changed. That
yearning, that merging with
God, became my only goal and
so it has remained.
During my recent trip to
Prashanti Nilayam, more than
ten years after that
momentous Summer Course, I
felt Baba's love as never
before, an unprecedented
loving warmth directed
intensely towards me during
darshan, during bhajans, and
in the prayer came flooding
back to me. That warmth,
that love, that closeness,
envelops me as I write this,
even now.
My love for Baba continues
to grow beyond imagining.
The sweetness of seeing his
form is an endless joy of
which I never tire. Yet no
physical closeness is close
enough. The nearness is as
elusive as the halo around
his head. I had always
conceived of Baba's halo as
some kind of aura or
reflection of his form.
But could it be that that
barely perceived light is
the reality, and his beloved
form the illusion that
obscures our vision even as
he draws us to the goal?